Let me start with one word: DON’T! It ain’t worth it, folks.
Looking back, I can almost see the energy that ended up consuming us. It felt like this odd combination of being pushed into something while also being pulled away from yourself. Actually, it felt almost exactly like being swept up in a current. Ha…energy…current…of course!
Turns out, Mr. Universe & I were karma cards to each other. An energy playing itself out in our lives with the goal of helping us graduate to the next lesson. What I didn’t know at the time was that Mr. Universe’s first wife was also his karma card. Doh!
Since he had married not one but two Six of Diamond women (again, check out the cards for more info), that pretty means he didn’t learn his lesson the first go around. Lucky me, right?? I didn’t think so at first either…
This karmic energy became yet another identity in our marriage. There was me, Mr. Universe, his addiction and our karma. Man, it was beyond crowded in this house! It felt like there was no room to breathe. No place to catch a breath or a break. The push/pull was constant.
I was finally able to get the perspective I needed the summer Mr. Universe’s daughter stayed with us. Watching them interact with each other (& around his addiction) was like carrying around a life sized mirror. Over the course of a couple months, the lesson started to sink in. I wasn’t going to clear this karma…and graduate…until I decided to love myself more.
My whole marriage I kept thinking, “If I could just show Mr. Universe that I loved him. If I could just get him to feel comfortable in knowing this, everything would work out.” But that was only half of the lesson…and the part I couldn’t control.
The only part I could control was how I felt. And my job was to love myself. To feel that love…from me to me.
They say you can’t truly love someone until you love yourself. Well, they were fucking right. Although, at the same time, it is a little more nuanced than that too. I mean, it’s not that I didn’t love myself at all. I just didn’t love myself ENOUGH…I didn’t love myself unconditionally. Which was exactly the problem in my marriage (reflection alert!). Mr. Universe didn’t feel like I loved HIM enough. #mindblown #ineedaminute
Seeing the lesson reveal itself and land in my body was like a punch to the gut. All the sudden there was no air in my chest…or my marriage. And then, the rush of grasping for air…the burning in my lungs (and my heart) as the air rushed into my body. The rush of adrenaline to jump back up….and out.
And just like that, I knew my marriage was over. The lesson was learned. The karma cleared. The spark gone. The marriage D.O.A. And that, my friends, is why you should never, ever marry your karma card, IMO.