And that was what I struggled with through much of today’s remote viewing training.
My head kept trying to take control but deciding what was real and possible…by trying to stifle my intuition and openness.
It’s not a new struggle. I’ve been battling it for years and thought I’d moved past it, but my ego has been rearing its ugly head as of late. Getting in the way and causing general chaos in my life.
I’ve grown tiresome of the constant bickering between the voices in my head. Well I guess it’s not multiple voices…my intuition provides more of a knowing response whereas my ego actually talks. Often overriding what my intuition is telling me. Causing me to doubt myself…question what to listen to…fear that I’m making a mistake and can’t trust myself.
And that’s what the ego wants. Without fear, the ego can’t exist so the best way for Clyde (as I’ve not-so-affectionately named my ego) to stay in control is to undermine me. To get me to question my abilities in some way. To question my beliefs. To question my heart.
Clyde is a trickster of sorts. He’s a bit snotty and arrogant. He hates to be wrong and fights like hell to be right. He needs to be in control and feel a sense of organization to life. Winging it is not something Clyde enjoys. He needs to be busy and his favorite job is to be taskmaster.
Clyde used to get all sorts of positive reinforcement…when we were working at my old job. Once I retired, I thought Clyde had retired too. He wasn’t as vocal…or it wasn’t as obvious. I felt like I’d moved into my heart and was doing a good job of living there…and I think I was. Then doubt crept in as I started moving outside of my comfort zone…and doubt blossomed into full fledged fear.
With so much newness…a new boyfriend that became a new fiancé that became a new husband in lighting speed….new friends…new pets…new jobs…new skills…entering a new age of thinking and living, I felt more surrounded by things I didn’t know than things I did. Welcome fear of failing at any or all of those things. Welcome Clyde back to the dance.
I’ve had nearly every professional/person I look up to in my life tell me that my intuition and ego are locked in a fight to see who’s going to win. That I’m a perfectionist who needs to be in control. I think that’s more the ego side than the real me but I’ll admit I like more order than chaos in my life.
I’m pretty sure this is something that many could help me with…like the shamans…but I continue to be told to just sit with it. In sitting with it, I’m starting to see just how entangled and twisted up in the game I’ve become. How convoluted this mess has become. I know there’s a way to undo the circuitry…to finally release myself from the control of the ego. And that’s what I’m going to be working to figure out…and it starts with admitting some of my fears….here, over the course of the coming days and weeks.
If I can let go of the fear, the ego will have nothing left to feed on.