The other night I was flipping through my yoga notebook…the one with all my notes from all my teacher trainings…and a quote jumped out at me. It literally jumped up and smacked me in the face. It said,
“Boredom is not getting want you want.”
At the time I thought, “oh yah…that might make a good yoga class theme” and I continued flipping through the pages. Now, we both know that stuff like that doesn’t just happen with a larger purpose than a theme for a yoga class. Especially given that the day before I’d written about being bored. No shit…Day 249: I’m bored.
So if boredom is the result of not getting want you want…what is it that I’m not getting that I want? That’s the million dollar question, right…and might help to solve that impulse to get a job.
Maybe it’s external validation…that feeling of doing a good job and being recognized for it. I used to get that at work in spades.
Maybe it’s feeling a part of something larger than myself. Again, I was a part of a team at work. This summer I was out and about teaching and felt a part of a larger community. Since it’s been cold, I haven’t felt much like getting out and doing things. Could be that…
I’m not sure what it is yet. I’m going to let it go and see what comes back to me.
Oh wait…maybe it’s control. The day after I wrote about being bored, I wrote about being externally motivated. I wrote about being frustrated with my eating habits and publicly stating I was going on Paleo.
It took me a few days…but I remembered how much I hate dieting. How stupid I think it is to diet in such an extreme fashion yet here I was doing it again. The last time I did it, I realized it was more about control than about eating healthy. I was at a place in my life where everything felt out of control so I controlled the only thing I could – what I put in my mouth. And I was miserable.
So here I am again…jumping on this Paleo diet. Controlling what I put in my mouth. Limiting my sweets during the holidays. Punishing myself for being a little more lax on my diet. But is that all I’m punishing myself for? Is what I’m searching for control?
Not sure if that’s it, but it’s a place to start. Maybe the answer will jump out at me from another notebook…or show itself on a billboard…or whisper in my ear by the Universe.
Oh, and while I’m still on Paleo, I’ve decided not to keep a daily food blog. That’s taking it to a level that I don’t need to. If I cheat, I cheat. I need to learn to be accountable to just myself.